Not coming home

Well, what was originally a 3 hour tour has left me stranded on this island. And, by stranded, I mean gainfully employed as a travel agent, which will allow me to do a little globe-trotting on the company dime, and living in a mansion on a hillside. Kin eyn ahora! No, that wasn't Hawaiian it's Yiddish. Chanukkah was lovely, by the way, thanks for asking.

So, I guess I'll be reporting on beaches for quite some time now. Oh, let me do that. I went to a new one last weekend: Pipeline on the North Shore. There was supposed to be a pro surf competition, but it got cancelled because we can't seem to get any good waves on the weekends anymore. However, there were still folk out risking life and limb to be one with the water. And, it was a lot of fun to watch. The sand there is of moderate softness. Not as soft as Lanikai, but not as harsh as Gray's. It was probably on par with Sandy Beach or Makapu'u. Oh, and plenty of eye candy. Unfortunately, the postponed competition was sponsored primarily by Billabong, and they left up their huge entrance signs, thus attracting every douchebag that drove by. What type of douchebag? You ask. Well, let me try to give you an example in an essay I've entitled Look At My Aloha Shirt

Wow! Yeah. I am so Pumped to be on this rad beach in Hawaii!! Those fuckers back in Des Moines don't know what they're Missing! Oh yeah, let me take off my muscle shirt here so the ladies can get a better view of my ripped arms and so-so midsection. Dude, pumping iron is way cooler than doing sit ups. Woah, dude. Look at those gnarley waves. Shakka! Dude, shut up. I totally own this beach. You're the one who looks like a pussy putting on all that sun screen. Oh yeah, this tribal arm band tatoo totally makes me look like a local and not a douchebag. Man, I would make those assclowns look like total retards if I had a surfboard. But, instead, I'll sit here on my hotel towel and drink a Coors Light. Maybe in a little while, I'll walk along the shoreline and check out all the hot chicks. Dude, how do these guys live here full time? I'm already at half-mast and these girls aren't even oiled up yet! Hey dudes, let's go swim in the breaks. It can't be that hard. What does that fucking lifeguard know anyway? I should go knock him off his stupid 4 wheeler. Dude, I would look so fucking cool riding that thing up and down the beach. Oh, hey ladies. How are you? You want some beer? Oh yeah, I totally live around here. Actually, I have a winter home just down the road. Yeah, me and my buds are just out here for the week. Gotta get back to the states on Tuesday. Hey, where are you going? Fucking bitches. Fuck those cunts. They don't know what they're missing out on. And what the hell did they mean by calling me a Howlie. I am totally looking like a local right now!

The End.

Okay, I've got to get back to travel agenting.

Mahalo.

-NS