Watch This Shit. Thank Me Later.

If you do nothing else today, you MUST watch this. Hilarious.

"I get nervous in social situations motha fucka!"

Christmas Schmismas

In all my 25 years, I have spent every Christmas with nearly every member of my large immediate family.

Not this Christmas.

For the first time in 25 years, I can't make the trip home to my parent's house in Kansas. I'm kinda sad about it to say the least. Even though every time I see them they usually just end up pissing me off...I still rely on my family for all of their wit, brutal honesty, and dysfunction. So, I'm very sad about not being able to spend the holiday with them to say the least. I seriously started crying today at work when the Christmas music was playing. It was pathetic. And I still have 26 days to go. Fortunately I have a wonderful fiancee and dog to spend the holiday with. And we might even buy Jackie a hilarious doggy Christmas outfit. So that's some compensation.

On a lighter note, the following Christmas songs WILL NOT make you sad. Download them. They really do exist.

Christmas in the Hollis by Run DMC

Hark the Herald Angels Sing hummed by the Peanuts gang

One More Sleep 'Til Christmas by Kermit the Frog

Barenaked Ladies w/ Sarah McLachlan- God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

and lastly...

Please Daddy Don't Get Drunk this Christmas by John Denver



hugs.


Wiz

A tofurkey won't run off with your girlfriend and break your heart.

Hello everyone.  I hope you're recovering nicely from your tryptophan comas.  I didn't have one this year because tofurkey doesn't contain tryptophan.  That's right.  I stuck up my nose at the patriotic tradition of eating turkey on the 3rd Thursday in November.  Ooops!  But, please don't feel sorry for me.  The 100% vegan dinner that I cooked was amazing.  And, I got the thumbs up from 3 meat eaters as well. 

With my new sense of moral superiority, I feel that I am now qualified to give you all a list of things you could have done with your turkeys besides stripping them naked and shoving bread crumbs in their asses (I know, I know, it's technically in their neck holes but 'neck holes' just didn't have the same ring that 'asses' did).  Okay, on with the list:

1.  . . . 

Well, that was a short list.  Turkeys are pretty damn useless for anything other than slow cooking.  I mean, it's not like you could tie a leash around one and go trolling for booty at the dog park with it.  With anyone you might attract, you'd have to wonder if they were really into you or just waiting around for dinner.

Okay, enough from me.  Hooray vegan Thanksgiving.  

-NS

Green Team!

Have you seen this yet? You should.

Listen closely for the line "I just got a murder boner!"



Wiz

Just a thought...

The other day I walked by a homeless shelter/Salvation Army type spot where people were in line to receive some living supplies- "care packages" you might call them.

As I passed the line, I was amazed at how many young mothers I saw there with their babies--- they were all different colors and creeds but were united by a common thread: the look of immaturity and resentment.

And I felt bad for a minute. I felt sorry for them. But then...I didn't anymore; because upon further observing the mothers and their children I thought to myself---- "Maybe you should stop buying your baby $80 Air Jordan's and and designer Rocawear jackets and buy them some fucking baby food and diapers."

Just a thought...


Wiz

Message from Deanimal

I know it's been awhile, I hope I'm still part of the club...

Lindsey remember when we were in Coffeyville and we started a club called the "Rat Pack?" Members included you, me, Cori and Christina...I think that was it. We thought we were totally hot shit too. The "Rat Pack" lasted a week, maybe less. Good times though!

So my boyfriend Jonathan is out of town this week. He went to Miami (where he's from), I'm flying down there next week to be with him and his family for turkey day. Spending holidays with Jews is always a rich experience...yes, pun attended.

A note: never fly Spirt airlines. Spend the extra 20 bucks and get to where you're going on time. Jonathan's flight got cancelled yesterday for some bullshit reason. They said it was b/c of the weather, while every other plane at Newark International Airport was taking off. I think what happened was the plane was not full so they weren't going to make any money, so they cancelled the flight at the first drop of rain. According to U.S. air travel laws, the airline does not have to compensate for travel if the flight was cancelled. So Jonathan missed a $500 gig at a comedy club in Miami last night and he doesn't even get a five dollar food vouture. They suck.

Alright, I must get ready for work now. I hope everyone has a fantastic thanksgiving!!!!!! Again sorry if things are misspelled, illiteracy is hot...or at least that is what I tell myself.

Who'd Have Thought?

Is anyone watching I Love New York 2 on VH1? Regrettably, I am. Yes, that's sad, but here's the thing-----

THIS may be the hottest guy to ever grace reality TV? His nickname is Pretty....aptly. His real name is Juan.

Want to know what I think? He's beautiful. And he's in law school. He interned with Bill Clinton. This man is hot.



I'm in Celebreality love.


Wiz

Monk seals are tasty on Melba toast

Have you ever been beside a mountain and on the beach at the same time? Well, I have. There's this amazing beach that is very far out of the way, on the super duper west side of Oahu. It's called Yokahama Beach. I went about an hour before sunset, and it was breathtaking. I wish I had some pictures to show you, but for the first time, I forgot to take my camera to the beach. I know, I know, I suck at life.

The only downer to this trip was that my friend's boyfriend broke his ankle after we'd been there aproximately 15 minutes. You see, there's another beach about 20 minutes away, that can really only be reached by foot from where we were. It's one of 2 beaches where monk seals can be found. Monk seals, as I'm sure you all know, are the most endangered species on the planet. This week, anyway. So, when Abe suggested that we hike over and take a look, Alippy and I both heartily agreed. Alippy, by the way is not a type-o or a nick-name. It's a Bulgarian name, I think. Anyway, I digress. So, we've been walking for about 5 minutes when we come to a part of the trail that we need to circumnavigate because there's a huge muddy mess in our way. The way we take requires some maneuvering down and around a small cliff. Well, Alippy decides that he doesn't want to walk down like Abe and me. He decides that jumping off of a 7 foot ledge onto uneven rock while wearing flip flops is a good idea. His fractured ankle begs to differ. So, instead of seeing monk seals, I got to help carry a full grown man back to our car. Not that I would have left him out there to fend for himself, but I was rather looking forward to the seals.

I guess I should look on the bright side. The next time we go back to Yokahama, I can remember to bring my camera. As it was before, I wouldn't have had any pictures of the monk seals, much like I don't have any pictures of Yokahama.

Mahalo.

-T

Rosey Cheeks and Talking Small

Hello Blogging Universe,

It has been a long time, hasn't it? So much has happened. So much has changed. I seriously want to know what you're up to and how you've been!

So, what have you been up to?

Good! That's so great! It's good to hear that you're still doing the same ol stuff. I know exactly what you mean. It's so nice to have time to hang out on the weekends and do your own thing.

How's work?

Really? Nothing's changed there either, huh? Well, I'm so glad that you're still working there.


Painful isn't it? Wait. I don't think painful even begins to describe the feeling you get from small talk. Really. They should call it "Hang me by my toenails and drip water into my nostrils" talk.

I.
HATE.
SMALL.
TALK.

I have a friend who lives halfway across the world. We were roommates in college. We usually talk face-to-face once a year when she visits Texas and through email once every two months or so. The most refreshing thing about our friendship is that when we do talk, neither of us puts the other through that exhausting small talk. It's just like we saw each other this morning on our way to class, and the conversation immediately returns to that amazing living room they painted on Trading Spaces with the lime green stripes and purple polka dots.

It reminds me of being home. In a small town. Where you see everyone every day and small talk consists of reviewing the latest list of pregnant 7th graders. Oh! And did you hear? Mrs. Robertson was moved into the nursing home because they found her dog in her freezer!

On the other hand, I have a friend who lives in Dallas. He lives no more than a mile away from me. We see each other every 2 weeks or so. And we talk every other day online while I should be working - getting people drunk.

Sidebar: I work for an alcoholic beverage company.

On the times we get together (every 2 weeks or so), the conversation always begins like this:

"Girl, how are you???? Whatcha been up to???

BAH! You KNOW what I've been doing. I just told you YESTERDAY that I was walking my dog, cleaning my house and staying late at work for a meeting. We talk ALL THE TIME. Can't we just sit here, drink a beer and talk about stupid stuff? Like, I don't know, the fact that you once stuck our friend's perfume between your butt cheeks, took a picture and mailed the picture and the perfume to her?

Now that is awesome conversation.

-P

Red Rover, Red Rover----Send Friendship Right Over!

There are a lot of things that I took for granted being able to do as a kid; things that are so difficult for me to do now that I am officially an adult. And they are things that really wouldn't even cross your mind unless for some strange reason you attempted them again. For example:

-Skipping. Have you tried to skip lately? It's fucking HARD! I think my ass is so much bigger than it was when I was eight that the thing just pulls me straight down to the ground. My skips are much shorter now. It's sad.

-Teeter-tottering. SO HARD! Have you tried it recently? If not- go to your nearest park and try it. I will admit that even as a kid I had some anxiety about being tricked into free-falling to the ground by some mean-spirited asshole, but at least I physically could pull off teeter-tottering. Not today.

-Playing tag. As of today, I can play tag for roughly 15 seconds before feeling like I'm going to pass out. Running is hard. Running fast is REALLY hard. Running fast after cute boys is even harder because you want to look pretty doing it. But when I was little I could chase boys for HOURS. And I did. I tagged 'em.

-Playing Red Rover. What the hell were we thinking? This shit hurts! When members of the opposing team run into your fragile little arms it could break them! Why did we subject ourselves to this torture? And have you tried to do it today? NO, because you don't want to because the idea of letting someone run full-speed into your outstretched arm is fucking retarded!



Being a kid was fun. Having energy was fun. But that's, as always, NOT the point of this entry. I want to talk about the thing that was by far the most easy thing to do when I was a kid and the most difficult for me to do now:

Make friends.

I just moved to Chicago 4 months ago. When I moved here I knew a total of about 5 people, not including my roommates. And out of the 5 there was only really 1 that I would consider a close friend...and she moved to Hawaii recently (thanks NS).

So, here I am again in one of the largest cities in the nation- no friends and out of my comfort zone.

See, I grew up in Coffeyville KS where I knew everyone and everyone knew me. If they didn't officially know me they probably knew OF me or I knew OF them. That's the kind of place I grew up in. I meet people still today who say that they are from South Coffeyville or Mound Valley (all nearby towns) and when they tell me their names I'm like "Oh yeah! I dated your cousin once" or "Oh, I played high school basketball against you!" Knowing everyone. THAT'S comfortable.

But then I journeyed to Commerce, TX for college and learned something about myself---- socially I have a lot of anxieties. I had never had to try to make friends before, and I learned that I wasn't very good at it, nor was I very good at keeping friends once I had them. And it's not because I didn't want to. I want friends. I want good ones. I want to keep them and hang on to them. But it's just hard for me. One-on-one encounters make me extremely nervous unless I have known the person I am encountering for years. And even then I am sometimes still nervous. Another huge anxiety of mine- calling people on the phone. It's terrifying for me...especially when calling strangers or people I don't know very well. So, when you consider all of the information above--- meeting new people and building relationships is A LITTLE difficult for me.

BUT, all of my own personal anxiety aside, the point of this entry is to point out that AS AN ADULT IN GENERAL IT IS DIFFICULT TO MAKE FRIENDS.

When you are 25 years old people ALREADY HAVE their friends. They already have a circle. They don't want anyone else to enter the circle. They are set. They are reluctant to let an outsider in.

When I left Texas after living there for 4 years and going through what was supposed to be the best time in my life (college, which wasn't by the way), I had gained a fiance' and a handful of acquaintances, but really only 2 friends that I still keep up with and consider to be "close" friends. You know why? People in Dallas already had friends.

Now, here in Chicago, it is even tougher. I am not in college anymore. I am not even a new graduate anymore. I am just your run-of-the-mill working adult. And the only thing that is not run-of-the-mill about me is that I don't really have any friends and I'm not really sure how to make them.

It was so EASY when I was a kid--- I told someone "I like you" and asked them if they wanted to play with me. They said "yes" or "no" (or in the case of Lindsay Downing and Jody Walterschied, they said "We'll have to think about it" and then never returned to give me an answer. Still a little bitter about that). From that point on our fate was sealed. Based on their answer, we were either "friends" or "enemies". It was simple. But not anymore. As an adult, if I meet someone, think they are cool, and think that they might be a potential friend, I can't just say "Soo....I like you. Do you want to play with me?" I really can't even say "I think you are so cool. We should hang out sometime" because that STILL sounds weird. Adults just don't do that. Do they?

There are times when I just want to tell them- "Listen- I know this is weird but I think that you are really cool and I want to make you my friend." I know it's pretty straight forward, but hey- maybe they would appreciate my honesty? Probably not, huh? Still creepy.

I hope I'm not the only 25-year-old adult that has a hard time making friends. Because I feel like sort of a loser.

That said- if you live in the Chicago area and want to be my friend, the answer is "yes."


Hugs.

The Wiz

Don't tell anyone, but I'm a vegan

News everybody! I'm a vegan. Not the militant type that scowls at the carnivores or gives the finger to strangers enjoying their eggs Benadict. I've given up eating any animal products for health reasons. Your body practically sweats fat as you're getting rid of all the fried foods, the mayonaise, and the butter. I feel so much healthier. I've got a lot of energy...which probably also correllates to the fact that I go to bed at 9 every weeknight, get up at 5 and go for a walk/run with my dog and I only drink on the weekends, and even then, it's only 2 or 3. My skin looks better and I smell better in general. So, after all of these positives about being vegan, why am I ashamed to admit it in public?

On Halloween, there was a luncheon at my office that I avoided. I cruised the breakroom beforehand and saw that there was nothing that didn't have eggs or milk, and most of the stuff had meat in it. So, when my lunch break came, I just ate what I'd brought from home outside. Many of my coworkers asked why I didn't join them in the lunch room. I stammered. I sputtered. I tried to get away with half truths. "Oh, I have to eat a special diet." or "I don't eat dairy." All of my responses just garnered more questions from my coworkers. Finally, I would come out and say that I was vegan. And then I'd have to explain the difference between vegans and vegitarians. And I had to explain why I was putting myself on such a rigorous diet. I feel that when I tell people of the health benefits that I sound a bit holier-than-thou. I understand that people like to eat meat and dairy and eggs. They taste good! But for me, I like the way I feel when I don't have any animal products coursing through my system.

I think part of my embarassment at going vegan comes from the stereotype that vegans hate anyone who eats animal products. And, for some that is true. But those are the tree-hugging hippy-types who are vegan because they don't want to cause harm to other animals. I don't give a shit about the ugly animals that we use for food. They taste fucking awesome. Unfortunately, they're not that great for us. I know what they say, "everything in moderation." But, Americans don't eat animal products in moderation. They're there at every meal, in every snack...in our gum! Look on the ingredients list of the new Trident flavors...there's milk in some of them.

Now, ever since going kosher, I haven't eaten a lot of meat because it's easier to get away from mixing meat and dairy if there's no meat. So, I just decided that for a while, I'd try the no meat thing. Then, my roommate's brother, who's been vegan for years, told me that if I was giving up meat for health reasons, I'd might as well go vegan because it's the best weight-loss, muscle-building diet (if you make certain to get all of your nutrients in). See, even now I feel like I have to explain myself. In any other situation, I'd just say "fuck it. It's my hot body, I'll do what I want." Why does explaining about being vegan cause me so much shame?

Does anyone else have a habit/lifestyle that is perfectly fine (you're not a child molester, or someone who collects and names their scabs, creating a scab army) but you're embarrassed about it?

-NS