There are a lot of things that I took for granted being able to do as a kid; things that are so difficult for me to do now that I am officially an adult. And they are things that really wouldn't even cross your mind unless for some strange reason you attempted them again. For example:
-Skipping. Have you tried to skip lately? It's fucking HARD! I think my ass is so much bigger than it was when I was eight that the thing just pulls me straight down to the ground. My skips are much shorter now. It's sad.
-Teeter-tottering. SO HARD! Have you tried it recently? If not- go to your nearest park and try it. I will admit that even as a kid I had some anxiety about being tricked into free-falling to the ground by some mean-spirited asshole, but at least I physically could pull off teeter-tottering. Not today.
-Playing tag. As of today, I can play tag for roughly 15 seconds before feeling like I'm going to pass out. Running is hard. Running fast is REALLY hard. Running fast after cute boys is even harder because you want to look pretty doing it. But when I was little I could chase boys for HOURS. And I did. I tagged 'em.
-Playing Red Rover. What the hell were we thinking? This shit hurts! When members of the opposing team run into your fragile little arms it could break them! Why did we subject ourselves to this torture? And have you tried to do it today? NO, because you don't want to because the idea of letting someone run full-speed into your outstretched arm is fucking retarded!
Being a kid was fun. Having energy was fun. But that's, as always, NOT the point of this entry. I want to talk about the thing that was by far the most easy thing to do when I was a kid and the most difficult for me to do now:
Make friends.
I just moved to Chicago 4 months ago. When I moved here I knew a total of about 5 people, not including my roommates. And out of the 5 there was only really 1 that I would consider a close friend...and she moved to Hawaii recently (thanks NS).
So, here I am again in one of the largest cities in the nation- no friends and out of my comfort zone.
See, I grew up in Coffeyville KS where I knew everyone and everyone knew me. If they didn't officially know me they probably knew OF me or I knew OF them. That's the kind of place I grew up in. I meet people still today who say that they are from South Coffeyville or Mound Valley (all nearby towns) and when they tell me their names I'm like "Oh yeah! I dated your cousin once" or "Oh, I played high school basketball against you!" Knowing everyone. THAT'S comfortable.
But then I journeyed to Commerce, TX for college and learned something about myself---- socially I have a lot of anxieties. I had never had to try to make friends before, and I learned that I wasn't very good at it, nor was I very good at keeping friends once I had them. And it's not because I didn't want to. I want friends. I want good ones. I want to keep them and hang on to them. But it's just hard for me. One-on-one encounters make me extremely nervous unless I have known the person I am encountering for years. And even then I am sometimes still nervous. Another huge anxiety of mine- calling people on the phone. It's terrifying for me...especially when calling strangers or people I don't know very well. So, when you consider all of the information above--- meeting new people and building relationships is A LITTLE difficult for me.
BUT, all of my own personal anxiety aside, the point of this entry is to point out that AS AN ADULT IN GENERAL IT IS DIFFICULT TO MAKE FRIENDS.
When you are 25 years old people ALREADY HAVE their friends. They already have a circle. They don't want anyone else to enter the circle. They are set. They are reluctant to let an outsider in.
When I left Texas after living there for 4 years and going through what was supposed to be the best time in my life (college, which wasn't by the way), I had gained a fiance' and a handful of acquaintances, but really only 2 friends that I still keep up with and consider to be "close" friends. You know why? People in Dallas already had friends.
Now, here in Chicago, it is even tougher. I am not in college anymore. I am not even a new graduate anymore. I am just your run-of-the-mill working adult. And the only thing that is not run-of-the-mill about me is that I don't really have any friends and I'm not really sure how to make them.
It was so EASY when I was a kid--- I told someone "I like you" and asked them if they wanted to play with me. They said "yes" or "no" (or in the case of Lindsay Downing and Jody Walterschied, they said "We'll have to think about it" and then never returned to give me an answer. Still a little bitter about that). From that point on our fate was sealed. Based on their answer, we were either "friends" or "enemies". It was simple. But not anymore. As an adult, if I meet someone, think they are cool, and think that they might be a potential friend, I can't just say "Soo....I like you. Do you want to play with me?" I really can't even say "I think you are so cool. We should hang out sometime" because that STILL sounds weird. Adults just don't do that. Do they?
There are times when I just want to tell them- "Listen- I know this is weird but I think that you are really cool and I want to make you my friend." I know it's pretty straight forward, but hey- maybe they would appreciate my honesty? Probably not, huh? Still creepy.
I hope I'm not the only 25-year-old adult that has a hard time making friends. Because I feel like sort of a loser.
That said- if you live in the Chicago area and want to be my friend, the answer is "yes."
Hugs.
The Wiz
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6 comments:
Making friends in Chicago is retarded hard. There are support groups (not even kidding, though I wish I was) for people who can't make friends. Mostly, the reason is because everyone's so busy working and avoiding getting butt-raped.
Now, you know how awesome and socially adjusted I am, and even I had a hard time making friends. Outside of the girls I worked with (which was a total blessing that we all go along so well, but sort of a curse because all we ever did together was get drunk, hence my drinking problem), I made 2 friends in the year and a half I was in Chicago...and I lost 1 of them when we sort of tried to date, but it didn't work out.
If there are cool people in your SC class, join them when they ask if anyone wants to see a show. I was going to say ask them to go to a show, but I know better than that. Then, if they're still cool, you guys can go out for drinks, or to more shows, or whatever it is people with friends do.
And, if worse comes to worse, just wait until I get back in January, and we can be totally neurotic and friendless together.
-NS
Anne..
We'll grab a taco when you turn 21. Until then- you're on your own, bitch.
:)
Tanya..
I'm slowly but surely making friends at SC. It just takes time I guess. People have their bubbles. Come back to me (and live 2 blocks away again)
Wiz
First off, let's get drinks some night next week (my sister Debbie is visiting this weekend so I'm all booked up til then). Let's pick a date and time now and stick to it! (I can do any night but Thursday.) Second of all, sorry I missed your show Saturday night, I was sick. I've had a cold from this Arctic weather and I think I'm finally getting over it, finally.
Well, obviously our childhood's were quite similar so I totally know what you mean. I've found that the first year in a new place is always the hardest. When I moved to San Diego, my roommate Derec and I were each other's only friends for the longest time. We eventually made another and joked that instead of a circle of friends, we had a triangle. And then eventually our triangle became a square. And then a hexagon, octagon, and on and on. Without even realizing it, we eventually had a circle!
Then we both moved to new places, him LA and me Chicago and we're both at square one again. We talk on the phone almost every night and try to convince the other to come live with us so that we can have friends again.
I hang out with work people a lot, but it's usually a work related event during the week. Most weekends I don't even go out because I don't have anyone to go out with. Rarely, do I talk to or hang out with my "work friends" outside of work.
So yeah, for the time being, it sucks. I don't have my greatest support system around me, but at the same time I am at peace knowing that it's only going to get better.
I'll end this with my favorite advice... Never say no to fun! If someone invites you to do something, try to go. I will caveat this that it is important to find a balance though b/c sometimes you don't have the money or the energy. But I've found that if you say no to people too many times, they stop asking.
I feel the same way about talking on the phone! Most of my phone conversations suck (except for ours of course). I'm the kind of person that when I have to make a call especially to a stranger I sit there for five minutes to try and come up with what I have to say and then as it rings I pray I'll get their voice mail.
I'm sorry you're having trouble finding friends in the big city Lins. I don't really have any advice for you though seeing as how I'm still in college. And for some strange reason it was really easy to make friends here. All I have to say is remember that that adult sitting next to you in class (or wherever else adults are found) is probably just as desperate for a good friend as you are.
Hugs!
Yeah! I totally know how you feel! I feel like an idiot at work when all the girls are talking about going out. I feel almost desperate...and come close to thinking about INVITING myself. Ehhh. Not fun. Kinda sad. I'll be your friend, Linds! Seriously though, we need to go hang out sometime.
Wow, Linz. I would have never guessed you would have difficulty getting friends. You see, I too have just about all of these same difficulties. (Obviously without the big town and being an adult part). I too have extreme trouble just going up to people and talking to them and I am also MORTIFIED of talking on the phone.
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