Mainland Blogging

NOTE: I first wrote this blog whilst on the mainland. However, because of forces out of my hands, I was unable to post it until now. I'm leaving the blog as it was written...just so you all know, I'm currently in Hawaii.

Hello, Gentle Readers. My name is Tanya. I know my profile says that I already live in Hawaii, but it’s a bit of a lie of convenience, in that I didn’t want to waste the energy redoing my location once I move (in 11 days). So, right now, I’m sitting in the café that’s just down the way from my apartment in Chicago. It’s a really beautiful day. You can tell that everyone is trying to soak it in as much as possible because in about 2 weeks it’s going to be cold. And it will only get colder for the next 6 months. And then, just when you think it should be warm (because baseball has started), Chicago will get one last push from winter, and then for 2 months it will be cold. However, during that bleak period, I will be surfing in Hawaii. Suck it, bitches!

You bitches sucking it aside, I’m blogging for an important reason. There’s been an influx of girls from small towns to the Windy City in recent months. And, I want to share with them some very important information. I’ve lived in Chicago for over a year and a half now, and I’ve done my fair share of dating (some may say it’s not even a fair share). This blog is going to let you in on a crucial statistic that I’ve noticed in my time here: The ratio of hot guys to hot girls in this city is severely skewed to the guys’ side. Now, most of you might say that this should be a good thing. It should not warrant a blog of warning. And, when I first moved up here, I thought the same thing. Oh how wrong I was.

You know how you sometimes see those couples who seem really mismatched? Normally, it some fugly guy with a smoking hot lady (I use the term lady in the loosest sense of the word). And we all know why she’s with him: He’s got a great personality … and a big fat bank account. Well, in this city, you often see the mismatched couples of the other kind. Some tall, dark, handsome (or blonde, blue-eyed gorgeous Adonis, whatever your preference) guy will have a short, chubby, annoying broad (probably wearing a scrunchie) on his arm. How can this be? Well, firstly, it’s the above-mentioned skewing. The guys have looked around them and seen that the pickings are slim (or chubby).

But, please don’t feel sorry for these hot guys. Oh no. You see, after they looked around to see that in Chicago men are the fairer sex, these guys all became giant assholes. They can see that they are in high demand. And, just like marginally attractive guys who find themselves dating goddesses do everything in their power to keep said trophy, the girls in that role do the same. And, of course that behavior includes giving the prettier partner whatever they want and looking the other way when they cheat with an attractive person. So, the guys here have learned that if the girl they’re with doesn’t grovel at their feet, there’s ten more marginally attractive girls waiting who will.

Now, I try to be a proactive person. If I can identify a problem, I need to find a way to fix it. As a one-woman crusade, I’ve already started trying to fix the guys in Chicago. And, those of you who are sick of all the Chads and their older, suburban counterparts, feel free to pick up where I leave off. My first step is to give as good as I get. I just keep in mind that if this guy is a jerk (or boring or too egotistical or too much of any other reason why I’ve let a Chicago guy go), there are 20 better ones just around the corner. Turn the loser loose and get ready for the next Midwestern guy.

The second step requires a little bit of math. Remember those Venn diagrams we had to do in high school? Well, let’s put them to use! It’s time to be picky, ladies. The guys in this city have had that luxury for far too long. There are a million hot guys in this city. And there are a million fun guys in this city. And, there are many who fit into both categories. I’ve decided to focus on the ones who straddle the line. That has automatically cut out a huge portion of jerks. You see, while these pink Polo collar-popping douches think that they’re the life of the party, with their aviator shades on inside the club, they’re really very boring. They generally don’t have anything interesting to say, and can be easily distracted by video golf or punching bag machines. I’ve been cocktailing in a sports bar downtown for the better part of my Chicago stay, and I’ve learned how to sniff out a Chad at 50 paces. They’re going to be used to girls falling all over them. They’ll get crazy defensive when they discover you’re not one of them. Don’t back down. Call them on all of their shit in front of their friends. The strangest thing is that they seem to expect it. It’s as if they can’t believe how much crap women put up with from them. And, even stranger, some of them even enjoy being treated like dirt by a woman. A lesson for another blog that I’ve learned: Nice guys want you to treat them like you’re they’re mom; assholes like to be treated like they’re assholes.

Alright, now that you’ve gotten away from the Chads by throwing a tennis ball for them to fetch, keep an eye out for the attractive guy who’s also smart. They’re actually crawling all over this city. With so many improv opportunities, a lot of guys have a great sense of humor. And, with so many music venues, there are a lot with a broad range of tastes. Also, Chicago seems to be the first career stop after college, so there are educated, working guys walking around right under our noses. And, it takes a while for the transplants to catch on that they are in the deep end of the looks pool. So, if you can nab one of those, you’ll have a lot less work cut out for you…in this blog’s vein anyway. Who knows what other ways they’re screwed up. You’ll have to find some girl blogging about the guys from the transplant’s hometown.

Well, I think I’ve said all I want to for now on that subject. Also, I’m out of tea, and my scone is long gone, so I should get out of the café. My next blog will probably be written on a beach in Hawaii. Oh yeah, I’m supposed to be reviewing beaches. Yes, Chicago has beaches. There are places where you can stand on the lake shore and not see land on 3 sides of you. Beaches: I’ve never been to North Beach, but I have a feeling it’s full of Trixies and Chads. Leone Beach on Sheridan and Touhy is nice, and very roomy. Jarvis Beach has a lot of rocks, but it’s small, and generally never crowded.

Mahalo.